The little bastard is having a party in there. — I had a bike accident recently, and an MRI scan to check if anything important had dislodged in my skull. I sat in the waiting room until the doc came in. She had a grave look on her face. “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t know how to tell you this…

As a magpie I’d like to apologise for the bullshit of my compatriots. You’ve changed our lives a lot since you arrived, but there’s really no need for us to fly ourselves directly into your eyeballs. There’s still plenty of trees for us to set up shop, and it’s not…

I am the cloud that will ruin your day. I’m not one of those fluffy little bitches that some of you like to point and coo at, or the wispy high-flying blankets nobody gives a shit about. …

She just wanted wings. He just wanted love. — Her apartment’s doorbell rang. She walked over to it and pushed the “answer call” button. “Hello?” There was a moment’s pause, then a commanding Bavarian voice: “I haff your delicious vings. Please open ze door so I can deliver zem to you.” “Hi — you can just leave them in…

The accident happened three months ago now. We were testing a new way to improve the DNA of humans, a touchy subject I know, but one with profound implications. Nobody would volunteer for our experiment, so I decided to do it myself. That’s when I accidentally added dog DNA to…

Every morning, somewhere between the hours of 5 and 6 a.m., my melatonin levels have decreased enough to alert my body to wake up. I open a cautious eye and recall the day of the week. If it’s the weekend, I feel a sense of peace, tinged with an impulse…

At some point during my 3rd year of secondary school, our class tutor Mr Roles came into the room with a suspicious glint in his eye and announced that we would be getting a new student. Mr Roles had round hobbit-like features, thinning mousy-coloured hair, and a voice that you…

Many of us feel we’re not good enough. We suffer from a pervasive sense of inadequacy that compels us to chase after glittering goods, shiny platinum cards, and nods of respect, to dampen the voice that repeatedly declares our deficiency. It doesn’t work, of course. The unworthiness that we feel…

While reading something on Wikipedia’s app the other day, I noticed a little box in the top right corner with the number 173 in it. Curious, I clicked on it, and was presented with 173 Wikipedia pages that I’d viewed since installing the app. I casually flicked through them —…