Hi, I’m Jean-Claude Van Damme. You recognise me from the hit movies Bloodsport, Kickboxer, and Double Impact, which made $100 million at the box office. …

It first happened when I was three years old. We were at a baby shower, although I didn’t know that at the time. Apparently it was a delightful back-garden event with balloons and presents and heavenly hors d’oeuvres; with cooing mums and terrible games and an-all-round lovely atmosphere. Right in…

It’s Saturday and I’m at Walmart picking up my groceries. I get a cart with a busted wheel so things are already bad when I get to the deli. Behind the counter is a young brother with big ears that stick out underneath his tight blue hair net. I think…

The little bastard is having a party in there. — I had a bike accident recently, and an MRI scan to check if anything important had dislodged in my skull. I sat in the waiting room until the doc came in. She had a grave look on her face. “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t know how to tell you this…

As a magpie I’d like to apologise for the bullshit of my compatriots. You’ve changed our lives a lot since you arrived, but there’s really no need for us to fly ourselves directly into your eyeballs. There’s still plenty of trees for us to set up shop, and it’s not…

I am the cloud that will ruin your day. I’m not one of those fluffy little bitches that some of you like to point and coo at, or the wispy high-flying blankets nobody gives a shit about. …

She just wanted wings. He just wanted love. — Her apartment’s doorbell rang. She walked over to it and pushed the “answer call” button. “Hello?” There was a moment’s pause, then a commanding Bavarian voice: “I haff your delicious vings. Please open ze door so I can deliver zem to you.” “Hi — you can just leave them in…

The accident happened three months ago now. We were testing a new way to improve the DNA of humans, a touchy subject I know, but one with profound implications. Nobody would volunteer for our experiment, so I decided to do it myself. That’s when I accidentally added dog DNA to…

Every morning, somewhere between the hours of 5 and 6 a.m., my melatonin levels have decreased enough to alert my body to wake up. I open a cautious eye and recall the day of the week. If it’s the weekend, I feel a sense of peace, tinged with an impulse…